The blast took my breath but I kept my footing. I remember thinking that this was going to be the most exciting death ever. Complete with karmic irony!
My glowing hands clenched the metal railing, that flimsy ass railing, so tight I knew it was going to break if I moved. This was the end of the world, as far as I knew it. This was me finding my voice by accident for the first time. When I realized the blast didn't kill me, or knock me down the windy fucking staircase that snaked up the inside of this ridiculous "wizard" tower this bitch lived in, I immediately panicked and screamed. It was so primal that I lost myself in the moment, in the sound, inside of the vibrating metal of the flimsy ass railing. Glass broke around me, above me. It rained down the stairs and threatened to slice out my god damn eyes. That's when it all started going really well for me.
The Witch named Fury was stunned. She may have possibly run out of - mana? Chi? Mojo? Fucking magic juice? - or simply gotten careless. But I found a hole and I exploited it. Two twin beams of energy blasted from my open palms and pinned Fury to the wall. Rock and dust sprayed everywhere. It kind of got in my mouth, which is odd that I remember that detail as being one of the worse things that happened to me that day.
That's the point where this all starts getting fuzzy.
Somehow I ended up mostly buried in a giant pile of rubble and Fury was nowhere to be found. What is even weirder is that I was in a completely different part of town than the one I entered the tower from. But the flimsy metal railing was there, the concrete dust tasted the same, fucking everything about it. The same! Oh, except for being pinned beneath an armoire that smelled like old lady perfume. I had forgotten seeing that in the way in cus I was all sneaky sneaky floor's a creaky. You get the picture.
Come on, now, Cosmos, don't fail me now.
Trying out a new flavor. It's a little less with the old pensive Me and a bit more flashy, kinda maybe too hip? Hmm.. I wonder if it is obnoxiously hip like Juno or what. People liking this direction? Seriously be honest cus it's weird and different and I normally don't write like this.
ReplyDeleteGo with it, I like it a lot. I think I'd even like to see some more quirk in your wizrogue, like the way she uses magic could be a lot more interesting and personalized, maybe she's really upset by how freaking dumb most animals are...like seriously cow, you're just gonna stand there while that guy brings a hammer to your face?...you know, whatever, have fun and weave it in.
ReplyDeleteOne complaint: The scene ends on a lull. You begin to show the aftermath of this disaster without there being any stakes. Your character doesn't seem to care much about the crazy thing that just happened, which leaves me, the reader, feeling similarly uncaring. The emotion and dilemma are skipped over, she just shrugs, "Dang, where am I? Stinky armoire!" I need something more compelling there to pull me to the next scene. Look up "Scenes and Sequels," some pretty great writing theory there, provides a great structure for cliff hangery page turning perfection.
I'd also cut "What is even weirder is that," as I think the sentence is stronger without it.
Good work, post more!
Awesome :)
ReplyDeleteThis is really thoughtful feedback, thank you! I like the sound of that book you recommended, I'll have to check that out. I'm so leery about books about writing for some reason. I realize it's a pretty irrational aversion, yet an aversion it remains.
Thanks, Dude!